What weighs 99 lbs. and has dozens of heads???

In the words of Samuel L. Jackson "These motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking train" Ok it was a plane in the movie, but this is reality...what's up with trying to smuggle dozens of cobras in see-through bags?  It never occured to this smuggler to put them in bamboo baskets like most snake charmers do?  C'mon snake smuggler, be a professional for once...

What a "shocker"...

Alright Dana Cobb, nice try.  You had a nice run.  Twelve years!  Now don't go giving us this bullshit sob story about not knowing what the "shocker" is.  And you did this in honor of your two daughters.  It's obvious.  Anyone with a porn actress name automatically knows the shocker.  You know it.  I know it. And all the Totally Useless Timewasters know it.  ♫♪ Two in the pink, one in the stink.  That's called the shocker.  You can do it in the bathroom or do it in your car or do it in the alley right behind the bar.♫♪  (Awesome Steel Panther song)...

Exorcism class...yeah, I'm there...

So, there's going to be an Exorcism class in San Angelo on June 20. I don't think I could come up with a more fun way to spend a Monday evening. I wonder if it will consist of some class participation? If so, I'm totally volunteering to be the Exorcist and not the Exorcised. I've tried that spinning the head around trick and the shoving of the cross up places it shouldn't go while screaming "You're mother eats kitty litter!" at whomever may be in the room. It's painful! Don't want to have to go through that again. They should think about having this class every Monday night until the NFL gets their shit together and we have Monday Night Football again...

The next time your luggage doesn't arrive at the airport on time, you'll probably be thinking of this video...

deer vs motorcycle

Now this is how you run over a deer! Anybody can climb into a Ford F-150, cruise down the backroads and take out Bambi! This takes dedication...

Does this look like the face of a guy who gradually flashed his junk to a chick at the drive thru window because they were out of chicken legs?

So this chick watches as the aptly named Jason Gross, "gradually" exposed himself to her!  It didn't come to mind that you could look away or walk away?  Rule number one at Bojangles chicken restaurant should be "Make sure we have chicken".  Just sayin'.  If you ain't got chicken legs, what do you expect the Jason Gross's of this world to do?  Of course your gonna get his chicken dick flashed at you.  Its up to you whether or not you want to check it out.  Shame on you Jaqueline Green!  You intentionally screwed this guy twice and not in the happy, fun way.  Fucked him out of his drumstick and then called the law on him!?!  FREE JASON GROSS!!  FREE JASON GROSS!!!

Kid for sale on Ebay...

Now what kind of person tries to sell you a two year old girl on Ebay?  Hell, they aint big enough to open the fridge and get you a beer off the top shelf until they are at least 6 or 7, right?  Just a serious waste of everyone's time that happened to be on Ebay looking to buy a beer grabbing, channel changing, shirt ironing, floor vacuuming, furniture dusting, grass mowing little slave kid. Now, this chick is going to have to pay all of the Ebay fees for a  product she couldn't even sell.  Hope she didn't set a reserve price and add extra photos...

Vice President of Ukraine chokeslams some other politician in Parliament...

Why don't the execs at C-SPAN get our politicians to do this kind of shit? Personally, I don't know of one person that even watches C-SPAN and this is the type of stuff that could change that. I'm thinking the Ukraininan C-SPAN's ratings are through the roof. You want the federal deficit paid off? Have Joe Biden or John Boehner chokeslam someone at least once a week. Put it on pay-per-view as a warm up to Ultimate Fighting for a couple of years. BOOM...no more deficit...you're welcome America

Yikes!!!

Camera cut off too quick...I wanted to see what guy at the end of the boat was going to do with that rod and reel...

Guy beats himself up, tells wife he was mugged of Oprah tickets so she wouldn't know that he never had them...felony charges pending...

How sad is this story?  This dud dude is so scared of his wife that he mugs himself and tells her that some thugs got away with their Oprah tickets.  I wish they would have showed a picture of her too in this article.  I'm picturing a female Russian Olympic weight lifter.  What a pathetic life this poor bastard must live.  I'm filing a motion to revoke his Man Card...All in favor?

p.s. after reading this, I couldn't help but think of Jim Carrey beating the hell out of himself in the courthouse bathroom...

http://youtu.be/OAqBitV574c

Yikes!!!

Holy Shit!!! This is exactly why I'm a blogger and not an X Games athlete. If that were me with my leg flopping around like a wet noodle, I would cry myself to sleep and die. Not lay there all cool like Terrell. Just relaxing on the ground, thinking about what's for supper tonight or "did I remember to turn off the coffee pot this morning." When my buddies would be picking me up, they would be putting me in a hearse. Not a van like these guys. I get a feeling they may have gone to a lunch buffet or something before going to the Emergency Room. Get well soon Terrell...

One Helluva Marriage Proposal ...

For all you romantics out there, because I get the feeling thats my main demographic. This is one bad ass proposal. Don't know if this guy is wealthy or just connected but it was well done. I guarantee you this chick was doing unspeakable things to him in the bedroom after the movie was over...

Damn! For some reason I feel like going to wally wally wally wally wally wally world!

No need to thank thank me Useless Time Wasters. You count on me to bring you the next big thing and I deliver. It's just what I do. I got you all doing the Dougie. Now you will all be humming to yourselves about making the Louisiana Purchase and wally wally wally wally wally wally world will be stuck in your head for at least the next 24 hours...

"Teach Me How To Dougie" singer dead...Somewhere Kate Upton weeps...

Here's the link that I posted last month of Kate Upton video doing the Dougie.  I highly recommend watching it once more in M Bone's honor...

Man Licking Shoes on New York Subway

Now that's not exactly how I spit shine my shoes but to each his own. I thought it was common knowledge that you lick from back to front. This guy appears to lick them from front to back. With that being said, they do have a helluva shine when he's done. Maybe he is the master and I am the student. Thank you crazy-subway-shoe-licking-guy.

p.s. How about the guy in the green jacket. Doesn't bat an eye. Probably sees this kind of stuff on the subway every day...

9 year old gets pulled over for driving drunk...then let go because he was too young...

So, if I understand British law correctly, kids can pretty much get away with anything.  Thats freakin' awesome.  Want a new car?  Grab yourself a cold beer and your neighbors keys and go for a spin.  Want a candy bar and a Coke?  Take your nine year old ass down to the corner convenience store.  Grab one.  Flip off the cashier as you walk by eating your Snickers bar and walk out the door.  Diplomatic immunity baby!!!  Or I guess in this kids case he could've walked out with a Snickers and a pint. Kids in the U.K. got it made.  I wonder how many of them are in on the secret.  I hope for their sakes they read this blog.  There's so much fun to be had and so little time.  Adulthood gets here quicker than you think...

8th Grade girl gets in trouble after reporting two other students had sex on the school bus...

If I learned one thing while I was in prison, it's that "snitches get stitches".  That was the code.  You lived by it or you payed the consequences, BAM!  This snot nosed little shit got caught breaking the code.  Serves her right not being able to go to the 8th grade prom or class picnic if you ask me.  Hell, we all know what proms were made for anyways, right?  So, boys and girls can get in a little round of bedroom golf.  Now granted, I've never heard of an 8th grade prom before, but obviously at her school, the kids enjoy having coital relations.  And this little prude wasn't going to the prom for that, so its win-win, right?  On another note: way to go WHIOTV.  Classy move putting that chicks mother's name in the article.  Now everyone will know who the snitch was...Dumbasses...

Trailer for "Here Cums the President - The Greatest Porn in US History" (SFW)

With school coming to end pretty quick, I thought it was my duty to present you students out there with this little bit of history. Hopefully you'll watch this and pass your History class with me to thank. I'm here you people...you're welcome...

"Compulsion Orgasmic"...

Now I'm sure this is no laughing matter here.  Had to take some big balls to stand up in court and admit to fingerblasting yourself 47 times a day.  Most of them at work while the rest of your co-workers are actually earning their paychecks.  But thats neither here nor there.  The fact is, this chick is taking 15 minutes to get herself off.  I'm thinking if she does this 47 times a day, she would've figured out how to get to the "O" face a hell of a lot quicker!  I think someone's stealing time from the company.  Yeah, the judge found in her favor.  Sure, but I'm thinking its a male judge and he's probably doing the same thing behind the bench, under the robe, fantasizing about Ana Catarina Bezerra Silvares.  I wonder if I went to court, if the judge would permit me to work on my fantasy football team for 15 minutes every two hours...

Batman Beatdown on the Vegas Strip (Original)

This has been making its way around the interweb for the last couple of days. Blogger has been down so I apologize for not getting this out sooner. Anywhoo, this is why Batman is low on my list of "superheroes". Dude can't fly, doesn't have super strength, not faster than a speeding ... anything. The guy just has badass toys. And he didn't even use any on this villian. Just shoves a guy and gets bodyslammed...disgusting...

The Commodores making a comeback!!!

Ready for the Commodores to make their big comeback?  Needing you a Lionel Ritchie fix?  Too bad...not those Commodores...

Florida chick chases down kids at school bus stop to flash her fun bags...

So, whats going on with 10 year old boys in Pompano Beach?  Rule #1...when Maribel Gomez pulls her shirt up to flash you her chimichongas, you run TO her.  You ask her if she's ready.  You don't run AWAY while she's asking you.  You, ten year old sir, are a failure.  I hope you were running towards your mother or sister.  Because if you went crying to your dad or older brother, methinks thou wouldst have had thy ass whooped...

8000 calorie "Instant Heart Attack" sandwich... Um, yes please...

The 8000 calorie "Instant Heart Attack" sandwich!!!  Need I say more?

Atheist offers to take care of your pets in case of Rapture...brilliant

Why is it that everybody else comes up with great ideas while I sit here with my laptop on my lap top blogging about it.  Rapture pet care...This is brilliant.  Is it a scam?  Is it legit?  Who's to say.  I wonder if Bart Centre would mind if I started doing that in this neck of the woods?  If you think the Rapture will be here in the next ten years and you love your pet, then what's $135?  Plus $20 for each additional pet.  Assuming Bart don't mind, y'all go ahead and send me a check.  I'll find someone who has no chance of being raptured, because we all know I'll probably be the first to go...

I don't know how I could be so turned on and frightened at the same time!!!

Shame on you Useless Time Wasters! How is it that there has been a video of a chick in a thong crushing watermelons with her thighs that has been on the interweb for over a year and no one told me about it?

Hilary Clinton too sexy for Hasidic newspaper...

This Brooklyn based Hasidic newspaper deleted the women out of what will become an important piece of history.  I'm guessing Hilary is flattered.  She's just hanging out.  Being all sexy.  Watching SEAL Team 6 busting caps in Bin Ladens ass.  Can't say I blame the Hassids.  They know sex when they see it.  They've been editing sex pots like Hilary out of Situation Room photos in newspapers since the 18th century...

Carlton joined the military!?!

Carlton gettin' down with rockets going off behind him...

Why Osama was buried at sea...

Photos of Bin Laden's funeral released...

Dude gets his junk lopped off by his ninja buddy...yikes!!!

So, is it this sad to become 61 years old?  Your samurai master buddy cuts off your dick and your attitude is "There is nothing I can do to change what has happened – it’s in the past."   Say it isn't so!  Not to sure I want to live to see my sixties now.  If I do make it that long though, I know one thing...I'm not going to have any samurai buddies.  Even if the little guy in my undies doesn't work anymore, I think I might still like having him around. 

Make-out Tips

Where the hell was this video when I was this kids age? I mean he gets it. I could've used his wisdom and guidance when I was a kid. But no. I was locked in my parents basement with a Farrah Fawcett poster and a Woolworths catalog doing unspeakable things to myself. Just wishing I knew how to kiss with no one to teach me. I still wasn't sure I was getting it right until I watched this video...thank you kcheet08...

Worth the 5 minutes...funny stuff...

Your WTF!?! moment of the day. This dude does his best Exorcist impersonation...

Real or fake? Doesn't really matter, but I got to admit its a talent that I could really use. I "feel" women ogling my backside all the time! Just once I would like to pull this exorcist prank and catch those chicks checking me out. You know who you are. Don't try to deny it...

In case you were thinking about drinking a cup of coffee while having sex tonight, you may want to re-think that...

Sorry to screw up your day with this little tidbit.  No telling how many of you were planning on Cinco de Mayo sex and coffee followed up by a monster shit, but now the American Heart Association is telling us we can have a brain aneursym from these daily joys.  Here is a list of risk factors...

• Coffee consumption (10.6 percent)
• Vigorous physical exercise (7.9 percent)
• Nose blowing (5.4 percent)
• Sexual intercourse (4.3 percent)
• Straining to defecate (3.6 percent)
• Cola consumption (3.5 percent)
• Being startled (2.7 percent)
• Being angry (1.3 percent)

Athiest chick simulates sex noises to make 10 year old stop playing basketball, interrupting her nap time...

How about those crazy damn Florida athiest chicks!?! Some boy outside shooting hoops and keeping you from your well needed rest and what do you do?  Your best "When Harry Met Sally" routine.  Not really sure how things work in Florida but in my neck of the woods, when a boy hears those noises coming out of a chicks window, he makes a bee line for said window.  Florida kids are being scared by all the wrong things.  Don't they have alligators just hanging out in back yard pools and shit.  Thats where boys need to focus their fear.  Not false sex noise making athiests.  C'mon kid, be a professional 10 year old for once...

SNL saddness...

Kristin Wiig is killing off two of her reoccurring Saturday Night Live roles, Penelope, the chick that "one-ups" everything she hears and Gilly, the trouble maker.  Surprisingly I'm cool with that.  She is one of my favorites on SNL but Penelope's last couple of skits kinda sucked.  Gilly was funny but never my favorite...

The future of our country...

Today's teens don't know who Osama Bin Laden is...sad

Rashard Mendenhall thinks that jets can't take down skyscrapers, Osama Bin Laden wasn't given a fair shake since we didn't get to hear his side of the story...

Bin Laden Dead: Video animation of terrorist leader's final moments